Love in the desert is different.

Love in the desert is different. What I mean by that is; it’s not easy.

I spent five years on the London dating scene and there are so many ways to meet so many gorgeous men. Any girls night out in the West End will throw up at least one or two fairly decent guys. Then there’s things like speed-dating and online dating which, during my time in the big smoke, I couldn’t get enough of!

In the desert, you rely on your friends to introduce you to eligible bachelors. Yes, the ratio of men to women is about 75:25 and, yes, there are an abundance of gorgeous bars filled with men, where the nightlife thrives. But for some reason, Dubai breeds men with ridiculous egos and then lets them loose in a variety of its hotspots.

I’m not sure why men in this city think they’re all that. Perhaps it’s something to do with Dubai’s laws; afterall, it’s difficult to live here without working. And jobs like bar tending, security and mechanics are all taken by the Filipino and Indian Sub-Continent workforce. What that means is that all the Western lads living in Dubai are educated and have a good job to speak of.

I think another factor is the calibre of women in Dubai… Why? Well, generally speaking, when you exchange numbers with a guy you’ve met at a bar in Dubai, he’ll usually text within 30 minutes asking for a shag. Either that or he’ll never text at all. I think, perhaps, this may often come down to the standard of the girls in Dubai, many of whom are here for a year or two to earn a quick buck and are satisfied with a quick fuck.

Do these girls make it harder for the rest of us? If guys are constantly offered no-strings attached sex by girls laced with plastic, can the rest of us really compete? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a bit of fun, but it’s not like I’m on a mission to gather as many notches on my bedpost as possible.

Then of course there is the whole plastic issue. Most girls in this city are plumped, cut and lasered into shape. To top it all off, they’re dressed in the shortest Chanel dress known to man, perma-tanned, have cat claw french manicures, are draped in diamonds and wearing so much make-up that I’m surprised they can hold their heads up. Most guys I know say they don’t go for the high-maintenance thing, but I know of very few guys who, in reality, would turn down a night with plastic fantastic. And, if plastic fantastic was interested, I’d bet they’d date her.

Making an effort is one thing, but splurging my entire salary on trying to be every man’s fantasy is not really what I’m about. Nor can I really afford it.

The thing about Dubai is there’s very little expression. Either that or it attracts the same kind of people. I mean, I never see goths or punks walking around... I don’t know how I differ myself from the rest, or how the rest differ themselves from me. Everything is so clean-cut and professional here that we look like carbon copies of one another in order to be aesthetically pleasing to our boss / client / friends. Saying that, perhaps it’s a good thing? If we’re all blank canvasses, then we can not judge a book by its cover…

Obviously, as a country under Sharia law, the UAE isn’t too keen on its citizens dating. That’s why you won’t find speed-dating events here, and all online dating sites are blocked. If I’m honest, I miss it. I used to love the thrill of receiving an email from a stranger, checking out his photo and then going for a date and learning so much about him. And at least I didn’t meet him when I was drunk in a bar, spewing on the dancefloor, so I can still keep an air of class about me.

I met so many guys online, including my first love. I also met J online and we still see each other seven years on. I had some disasters too though. One guy sent me photos of himself and he was so hot, I couldn’t believe my luck! Needless to say, the photos were really of a male model and the guy sending them turned out to be an overweight stalker type. But I always took precautions and had my wits about me, so I remained safe.

In London, it was always easy to meet up with at least two guys a week from an online dating website. And then of course there would be the cute guy you met at the weekend, so there were usually three dates every week. It’d be fun deciding whether I liked the guy enough to pursue it or not. Candlelit dinners, post work drinking and even a trip to Thorpe Park.

The limited online dating you do find in Dubai consists usually consists of twenty-something Indians and Pakistanis looking for a wife. Or sleazy Lebanese men who think Europeans are filthy in the bedroom. It’s rare to find a suave and sophisticated Romeo online here, and if you have, well, hat off to you!

I guess I’ve kind of succumbed to the Sharia way of dating as all the guys I’ve been with in Dubai, I’ve always met through friends. Emiratis don’t randomly date, they’re always introduced through family.

The way I see it is they’ve already been vetted out, so I know, at least, they’re not a psycho. I’ve also passed the stage where friends introduce me to someone and within minutes we’re all over each other. I like to think I’m a little more refined than that these days… Some flirty banter and a few cheeky smiles is more than enough to begin with. Then I asess what the guy is like around friends and whether or not he may be interested in me. A deep conversation or two wouldn’t go amiss either.

However, there’s always a danger to this, as I’ve experienced with Mr A.P and S. When things don’t go the way you’d like them to, you end up ducking and diving, trying to stay out of their way so the pain isn’t too raw. If they’re going to a party, you can’t go and you’re constantly checking with your friends to find out if he will be out with them or not.

So, not only are we restricted when it comes to meeting a guy, we’re also restricted when it comes to dating. Kissing in public is generally frowned upon, but, again, I do sort of agree. There’s nothing worse than seeing two mingers in a club slobbering all over each other. A sight oh so common in the UK.

I guess most of you heard about the British couple having sex on the beach here in Dubai last year? My opinion is if you want to do that, please find a secluded spot. Nobody else wants to see your white wobbly bits jiggling around as you fuck some drunk twat… take it home! Ok, we’re not meant to have sex before marriage in Dubai, it’s illegal, but the chances of you being caught in your own home are pretty damn slim.

So, whilst dating in Dubai can be trickier and requires a lot more effort, it’s also a lot more mysterious and demure, making it a little bit more fun!