So I've moaned about his stuff taking up my wardrobe space and how he's in the shower for more than 20 minutes when I need to get ready for work, but when he left this evening, I shed a tear. A few actually. Perhaps I just needed to get it out of my system, after all this was my first serious relationship and I'd never ended it with a guy before - I was always the one that was dumped before it even began.
As I crawled into bed this evening, I noticed a present he'd left on my pillow. It was a DVD boxset of one of my favourite British dramas (no, I'm not telling you what it is for the sheer embarrassment of it). In the bag were also some of my favourite chocolates. I know most girls won't think it's a big deal, but for me, it was, as X was never really one to buy me flowers or chocolates. In fact, romance wasn't really very high on his agenda, which I guess makes this gift that extra special. Although it could be that I'm just a little emotional.
It's weird, we've not slept in the same bed for well over a month as we've both been away, but it saddens me knowing we're both here but he's not here. It's not that we were an overtly affectionate couple but I'm surprised at how, well, empty my bed feels. I've been fine the last two weeks whilst he's been away, so why now am I upset? Is it something that takes time? How long is it before I've adjusted back to single life? Or does feeling this way mean I don't really want this?
And I thought it was confusing being dumped. All those questions you ask yourself like 'why doesn't he like me? Am I ugly? Is my sense of humour that bad? Did he see that huge zit on my chin?'. But at least with being dumped it's all released through anger - the Alanis Morissette blaring in the background, throwing things around your bedroom, deleting his number and text messages and erasing him from your Facebook friends. They're all great ways of getting some closure.
Ahh, closure, the word that everyone dreads. Guys hate it, girls need it. Question is, do I? Is that what I'm missing? When my relationship with X ended, there was no slanging match or slamming of doors, nor was there one last really hot sex session. Do those things really help you move on?
As the dumper, I'm not angry and finding the right release for my emotions is hard. I've chosen tears for now but I'm not sure they really represent how I'm feeling. As a professional communicator, aka PR darling, I'm guessing my release will be to bend my friends' ears about it. Girlfriends always have a solution and I'm looking forward to hearing their advice.
It seems there's no way out of a relationship unscathed, whether you're the dumper or dumpee, if it's done face-to-face or by text, if it's mutual or not, at least one of us is always going to get hurt. I'm just hoping the road to recovery isn't a long one.
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