My first love broke my heart 7 years ago and it's still as raw today as it was then. I compare every man I meet to him and I remember all the good times; the laughter, the kissing, the lingering looks. I crave that same love. Those same memories. I crave to find a guy that can make me feel the way he did. And then I remember how it ended and I remember the depression that set in on me. I couldn't move for 6 weeks. I thought I might die without his arms around me, either that or drown in my own tears. It was the worst pain I'd ever experienced.
Seven years on and I deal with these circumstances in a far less dramatic way, but rejection is never easy and we all grieve in one way or another. These days I tend to shrug my shoulders, blog about it and move on. Although the disappointment still lingers...
As some of you know, I finally met up with S last night and, as always, I loved being in his company. I love the way time flies when I'm with him. I love how our conversation flows and I love how I can just relax around him.
It was only when a random drunk girl began quizzing us about our relationship that I felt awkward. She thought S was hot and asked if he was my boyfriend, to which I replied he wasn't. But her questions didn't stop there. She then asked if he was gay, if we'd slept together, if we'd ever thought about sleeping together, amongst other things. It was one of those embarrassing moments where you just want the ground to open up and swallow you whole. But there was no sign of mercy and instead, the drunk girl just kept asking the same questions over and over again.
I was somewhat relieved when she left. Finally spared of any further embarrassment! Soon after, S called it a night. It was only 11.30, what had happened to my raucous drinking buddy? Normally we wouldn't stop until we were slurring our words and talking all kinds of random rubbish. I was disappointed my last night before a month of fasting was being cut short but I wasn't going to beg him to stay out.
S hugged me goodnight and I said I'd probably see him after Ramadan (seeing as we seem to be drinking buddies). He said he'd see me before, maybe go to the movies or something. At first I wasn't sure what to make of that, "movies" can swing both ways - platonic or conventional date. I guessed from the way the night had gone that it was going to be the former. I was right. But I still hoped.
So, this morning I receive a text from S explaining that he's not ready for a relationship and that what happened between us shouldn't have happened. I totally understand that he's not ready for a relationship, I mean neither am I really, but thinking what happened between us shouldn't have happened... oooh, ouch! That's hard to hear and changes the context of "I'm not ready for a relationship" to "I'm just not that into you". I wonder what changed between the last day we spent together and last night/today. I'd kind of understand if we were drunk and fooling around, but we weren't, it was the day after the night before. So what changed?
Something happened between then and today and I don't know what it is, and although I'm trying not to dwell on it, I think it's just what girls do. Seriously, why do I even care? He's made it quite clear that nothing is going to happen, so why has it tortured me all day?
You know what, fuck it. Yeah, fuck it. I knew I was building it all up in my head. He was away too long and I thought about it way too much. I mean take away the sex from a relationship and you're essentially left with a friendship. That's what happened with me and X. So what the fuck am I so gutted about? That S and I aren't going to sleep together? How can it be that simple? Why would sleeping with S be any different to sleeping with someone else? What is it about this guy?!?! FFS!
Wow, my options have been whittled down from four to just one in the space of a week. S is out, K has left the country and I've not heard from Danny again. That just leaves me with Mr. A.P and things haven't exactly taken off the ground yet. In fact, it's incredibly slow moving, but drawing it out is actually quite exciting. We had dinner at E's on Thursday night and there was some flirty conversation going on but if there's absolutely no movement tomorrow when we go skiing, I'm writing it off.
Moral of the story; ladies, don't get hung up on guys. Most of them wouldn't know a fabulous thing if it was tugging on their balls!
In the meantime ladies, feel free to introduce me to a guy that's going to blow me away! Preferably tall with blue eyes, killer smile and is not devoid of a personality. I need a new play thing!
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